I forgot who I was..

We are finishing up the month of love, Today, I want to share something I've been working on over the last six years. It's been a true labor of love.

2020 was rough. March brought a pandemic and the shutdown of the surgical portion of my practice for several months. I went from working full time, seeing 30 to 40 patients a day, to seeing about 8 patients one or two days a week. I was “nonessential,” and that word encompassed how I felt.

I tried teaching my second and fourth graders at home. My preoccupation with the pandemic, the uncertainty of my future, and my lack of skills in the teaching department turned out to be a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, that experiment lasted only a few months. At least I was still a mom, though even that familiar role felt different. My boys were older now. They didn’t need me the way they used to.

I found myself feeling lost, asking questions I hadn’t thought of before: Who is Melissa Summerfield without her white coat? Who is she when she’s not an ophthalmologist, not a soccer mom, not the keeper of everyone else’s schedule? I had been so many things for so long that somewhere along the way, I’d misplaced myself. It was a question I grappled with that summer.

It turned out to be a sweet summer. The weather was perfect. I spent long evenings outdoors - six feet apart, of course. I met new people and created new connections. I discovered a group of like-minded women physicians online. Together, we explored not only who we were, but who we wanted to be. We thought out loud about identity, purpose, and the lives we wanted to be living.

Without realizing it, I began trying on different versions of myself. I didn’t become someone new; I wanted to find the someone I’d left behind. The great news is she was still there. She’s curious. She loves to learn. She likes to try new things and to have fun. I’d buried her under years of busyness, expectations, and obligation, but she hadn’t gone anywhere.

As summer faded into fall, work returned to normal. The boys went back to school. But I wasn’t the same person who had been nonessential in March. I was cracked open. I learned to lean into who I actually am, to honor what I genuinely love, and to commit to becoming that version of myself — just 1% more, everyday.

The expectations of our roles and the world have a way of slowly burying who we were before the titles, responsibilities, and ‘shoulds’ told us who we were supposed to be.

You’ve probably heard someone say, “Mr. Smith can’t retire — he doesn’t have any hobbies.” It’s an observation that sounds lighthearted but it’s a profound one and echoes what happens when a person’s identity becomes fused with their role and they forget to access the rest of themselves.

That original self that has curiosity and passion unique to you is still in there. She hasn’t left. She’s just been waiting for space.

How you rediscover who you are isn’t a single conversation or a weekend retreat. It’s a gentle, ongoing process.

1. Who are you?

This question is less about the hats you wear and the roles you fill. It’s more about finding the blank slate you came into the world as and the invisible thread that runs through every version of you across every chapter of your life. Think about the personality traits that have followed you since childhood. What did you love to do when you were eight years old? What lit you up as a teenager before anyone told you what was practical or appropriate? What values have quietly guided your decisions even when you weren’t aware of them? What makes you feel most alive, yourself, and at home in your own skin?

When you reconnect with your core values and innate curiosities, you can stop outsourcing our identity to our job titles or our family roles and start building from something more solid and sustainable over our lifetimes.

2. Who do you want to be?

Once find the basic building blocks of who you are, the next question is creative and exciting: who do you want to become? Are there things you once loved that you’ve quietly set aside? Is there a creative pursuit, a sport, or a way of spending time that used to make you feel like yourself? Are there new experiences calling to you that you would love to explore?

This is the part of the process where I encourage you to try things on. You don’t have to commit to anything. You might (literally or figuratively) fall flat on your face. You’re not looking for a new identity to replace the old one, you’re looking for parts that feel like home. Some things won’t fit. That’s information, not failure. The ones that do fit will feel settled. They make you feel lighter.

3. How do you become her and stay her?

This can be where the real work lives. Knowing who you are and who you want to be is one thing. Integrating that person into the life you already have with its responsibilities, expectations, and demands is another. How do you honor the version of yourself you want to become while still showing up for the roles that matter to you? How do you balance the person others need you to be with the person you know yourself to be?

There’s no single answer, but the women I work with and myself have found that small, consistent acts over time make a big difference. It’s not about dramatic life overhauls. It’s about carving out just a teensy bit of time and space for the version of you who exists beyond the job, beyond the titles, and beyond the to-do list. It’s about choosing her, again and again, that adds up to everything.

If you’ve read this far (thank you!) and feel a resonance: a sense that maybe you, too, have lost a little of yourself, I want to assure you that the person you’re looking for has never left. She’s been there through every job, role, and version of you. She’s patient. She’s forgiving. And she’s ready to come forward the moment you remember who she is.

If this makes you feel restless and uncomfortable, the chapter you’re standing at the beginning of right now might be the best one yet. It’s the one where you get to ask “Who do I want to be?” and figure out how to get there.  It’s not always easy, but I’m here to tell you, it’s worth it.

Friends, thank you for coming on this journey with me. Did you know you can have this newsletter delivered right to your inbox? It's easy to do; sign up here! Monthly newsletter sign up-Melissa Summerfield It would mean so much to me. Everyone deserves to live their lives authentically as themselves while doing all of the things they 'have to' and 'should.' Let's support each other as we work toward that goal.

Sending you love,

Melissa